shirley temple summer

a conversation on growing pains & adulthood

I thought nothing could beat the loss I felt during the summer of ‘22 when my grandfather passed away.

But here I lie, wallowing in self pity. My sheets cling to my form like a straitjacket.

Days go by like a fever dream with nothing to note. No distinction to identify one from the other. An endless loop of monotony.

I bitterly scroll through the vacation pictures flooding my timeline. Everyone seems to be in Mexico this year.

Where did the time go?

My last summer of freedom, gone in a blink.

The nostalgic feeling of girlhood summers filter through warm golden sunlight. My dreams still consist of mermaids and fairies, not yet haunted by the dark shadows cast by adulthood.

I sat at the table surrounded by my family. White denim shorts and a pink top with bows and frills. Olive Garden breadsticks and salty Alfredo. Sticky pink syrup slides down the frosted glass. Crayola crayons scribble out drawings of my stick figure family on the kids menu.

me & my shirley temple

7 up

Grenadine

and extra cherries please.

I remember closing my eyes in prayer each night counting down the days until I would enter adulthood. “Please please please, I want to be pretty and drive a pink jeep like Barbie when I grow up, please”.

If only she knew that pretty privilege isn’t always pretty.

That lingering looks and unwarranted resentment, lie beneath the surface.

Summer is waning. This is the first year I don’t have a vacation tan fading.

Months spent trapped in the confines of my room unable to stand, let alone walk. Where did all of the time go? I am finally on my feet again but it all feels so foreign. Like a deer taking her first steps. Five months have passed.

My dad says it reminds him of the time I took my first steps as a little girl.

Your little girl isn’t so little anymore.

I am now at a cross roads. Caught between adulthood and cotton candy dreams. The weight of responsibility, grad school, finances, and moving out of my childhood home finds it’s permanent place on my shoulders.

I would do anything to go back to a shirley temple summer.

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thank you for reading!

feel free to leave your thoughts on growing pains & adulthood in the comments.